Anti-Social N/B - Web - Book List - Text - maze1971 at gmail dot com

x

xXML/RSS )

Orange Sunshine v1.0

x
  Sunday, November 30, 2008
The Week in Review
I'm midway through a Harry Potter binge - the books and movies. This hits me about once a year or so. Consensus: Order of the Phoenix and Deathly Hallows remain my favorite books, Prisoner of Azkaban my favorite flick.

I need to get off my arse and get Edible Foods back online.

Scored textualrevolution.com today after months of watching. I'll be putting some stuff on that down the road a bit.

Seriously thinking about going back to school to finish off a degree. I'm torn though. I'm pretty anti-college, but it seems like a necessary evil. We'll see.

Just under 3 months until the new offspring arrives. Tripping on that.

Clocked Jupiter (complete with moons) and Venus on the telescope this week....very cool.

I need to get a new tattoo....it's been a while.

Out.

Labels: ,


Sunday, November 02, 2008
Three Things I've Learned From Mick Foley
1) My favorite joke: Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, and the other two got away with minor injuries. (Memory is a little cloudy here, but I think he said this on an episode of WCCW circa mid to late eighties.)
2) Christmas. Between Molliwogg and Mick Foley I got my Christmas spirit back and turned it into a full blown obsession.
3) "I came here to make money, not spend it." I'm not cheap by any means, but this quote always rings in my head when I'm feeling lazy and the urge to drop a few bucks on fish tacos for lunch springs up. That, and my firm belief I can make better food than I can buy - with limited exceptions.

Labels: ,


Thursday, October 30, 2008
Perfect Paint Mix
Starting to paint the new pad and I've stumbled upon, for me anyway, the perfect paint mix.

Take four Moby albums (in this case Animal Rights, Play, 18, and Hotel)
Add one part The Who greatest hits - any of the greatest hits as long as it has Baba O'Riley on it.
Add one part James Brown greatest hits - again take your pick here as long as it has Get Up Offa That Thing on it.

Shuffle and crank the volume.

Tags:

Labels: ,


Wednesday, October 01, 2008
My composter came in today!


Labels:


Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Isn't she pretty?

Isn't she pretty?, originally uploaded by m/a/z/e & Molliwogg.

Tags:

Labels: ,


Sunday, September 21, 2008
37
37.

One kid down, one kid on the way.

Laura Palmer's quote rings in my head...."Broccoli for dinner again, I hate broccoli...does this mean I'll never grow up?"

For the record, I like broccoli - preferably raw and not cooked.

I have no interest in growing up.

I'm as old as my parents when I thought they we're old and unlike them I like my teenage child - moody pangs of growing pains, warts and all.

I love my friends, I love my wife. I love the fact I got a telescope for my birthday.

There's no point to this post, only......sage words.......

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys-R-Us kid......

Tags:

Labels:


Friday, September 19, 2008
Somebody get me a doctor....
I must be out of my head, marbles scattered across the floor and all that jive. My birthday is tomorrow and the plan was to head up to P-Town for some fun, frolic and friends. Last night we changed our minds.

After over a month of staying in hotels waiting for our condo to freaking close, the prospect of a huge road trip followed by the confines of yet another hotel room just became too much to bear. Too much work to be done on the place - we only moved in last week or thereabouts. The new plan is to spend a long four day weekend, getting our shit together and the cardboard boxes out of the line of sight....maybe a trip up to Virginia City and a little gambling to enter in 37.

Still, if anyone told me I would willingly pass up a trip to PDX to stay in Reno, I would have slapped them.

......crazy.....toys in the attic....I am crazy.....

Labels:


Thursday, August 21, 2008
Greased (Prius) Lightning
I've managed to go through my adult life with only one speeding ticket. And even that one I dispute. I got popped by the camera radar on Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway going 31 in a 25 zone. The problem with that is they set up the camera in between a 25 mph and a 35 mph sign. Seeing the new sign, I began to speed up. Then I saw a camera flash and a couple weeks later received a ticket in the mail. I should have disputed it, but I figured with the law of averages, I should just accept it and move on.

I'm an excellent driver - ten and two, check all the mirrors and all that jive. That being said I've spent most of my time in Portland, where damn near everyone is driving to or from a bar. I've drove somewhat buzzed more times than I can count without (knock on wood) any incident. I'm not proud of this fact by any means, in PDX it just comes with the territory. Now that Molliwogg is pregnant, I have a built in designated driver for the next 7 months or so, so I'm hoping to break the habit for good.

Having lived in Northern Nevada for the last three years (and trying to get out damn near all of them), I've become accustomed to the strange, quirky and downright moronic driving skills of the natives around here. I'm no longer a defensive driver, but a full-on combat driver. And still, no tickets. I haven't assimilated that far.

I'm lucky in one sense. My taste in vehicles run closer to a soccer mom's than NASCAR. I'll never turn down a Smokey and the Bandit version Trans Am, but beyond that I've no interest in sports cars. Currently I'm driving a Prius and a Subaru Outback. I'm a granny, what can I say? Before that I had a Toyota 4Runner. The reason I list my automobile resume is cops don't give me a second look on the road. Many times they should have.

Molliwogg and I are hotel hopping while we wait for our place to close so we've been taking a lot of road trips - San Francisco, Yosemite, Portland, etc. In the interest of our pocketbook, we've been using the Prius for road tripping. Through these trips, I've learned one thing...

With the possible exception of Al Gore Jr., cops don't care how fast you are going in a Prius. No fewer than five times, the most recent being Wednesday, I've blown past cops in three states at speeds of 10-40 mph faster than the posted speed limit (thereby ruining the Prius's killer mileage savings) without so much as a blink. The fasted was zipping by a cop I failed to spot going about 95 on the road from Florence, Oregon to Eugene.

The only explanation I can think of for not getting pulled over is the twin disbelief that a) a Prius can go that fast, or b) anyone who owns one would be going that fast in the first place.

At any rate, that's my little story, no real moral other than I drive real fast on the highway and have really mundane tastes in cars. :P

Tags:

Labels:


Friday, August 15, 2008
Tales of a reluctant hobo revisited....
In my rant about wifi yesterday, I forgot the original point of my post all together. At the ghetto hotel we're in, there are several vending machines. Craving a root beer, we gathered up the necessary change to purchase a frothy beverage. The button for root beer was marked with an A&W bottle making a splash into what I can only assume were cool and refreshing waters. Taste buds longing for whatever the hell is actually in root beer, we inserted the necessary funds and pressed the button.

Out came a Barq's.

No biggie. Barq's is my second favorite root beer next to the greatest root beer ever designed by mankind - Weinhards. We went back to the room and over the course of dinner - some of the finest microwaveable foods money can buy (remember the hobo part?) - we finished off the beverage.

Craving an after dinner dessert beverage, we again proceeded to tear apart the room looking for enough change to satisfy - being 2008, this vending machine only took change; no dollars. The required change gathered, we made the trek downstairs for a another Barq's.

Insert the change. Push the A&W button....

Out comes a Hires.

To un-abbreviate some net slang....What the fuck?!?

We haven't been back to the vending machine since; fearing getting locked into a never-ending variety of root beer wreaking havoc on sanity, funds, and fat content.

Tags:

Labels:


Thursday, August 14, 2008
Tales of a Reluctant Hobo
Molliwogg and I are waiting for our new condo to close, and given the spectacular timing we possess, our lease expired two weeks ago so we've been vagabonds since the first. As such, I'm becoming something of a connoisseur of hotel/motel/extended stay lodges.

In a word, they suck.

Staying at a nice resort or hotel/casino whilst on vacation can be cool. Barhopping the best deals locally is the drizzling shits.

We started off at an extended stay, lured by the promise of free wifi and a fridge/stove top combination.

Well, the wifi was good.

From there we moved on to the Clarion in Eureka, California. Killer place, two thumbs up and all that jive. After the extended stay cardboard beds, the Clarion's beds were a night in heaven. The only downside to the trip was ordering the seafood platter at a local restaurant and not realizing it was served fried. Barf. But the room had in-room wifi, can't beat that.

After that we moved on to the Silver Cloud Inn in NW Portland. Great place, comfortable beds, and more free wifi. Still, it's a little surreal staying in a hotel in your hometown. In your old neighborhood no less. That, and I don't understand the purpose of including a big screen flat screen in the room if your not going to bother getting HD programming to go with it.

Now we're hanging in a Motel 8 in Reno and I am learning the true luxury of in-room wifi. I'm learning this of course because I don't have it. I'm sitting here in the motel bar, Molliwogg by my side doing her homework, surrounded by the nerdiest bunch of freaks imaginable, drinking a beer, uploading to Flickr and balancing my checkbook. I could be doing all this in my room, but as a hobo, if the wifi will not come to you, you must go to the wifi. It's the hobo creed.

I've tried clicking my heels, but the closing on the condo doesn't seem to be happening any time sooner - we're looking at another week in motel/hotel hell. Joy.

Give me in-room wifi or give me death.

Tags:

Labels:


Friday, July 25, 2008
Self-Explanatory

Dead Bunnies, originally uploaded by m/a/z/e & Molliwogg.

Labels:


Strange
So I went with Molliwogg to the Dr.'s office today. Our appointment was at 10:30 am, got there on time and waited the obligatory 45 minutes for the doctor. While we're waiting a woman comes in who was apparently 10 minutes late for her appointment. They turned her away.

WTF?

It would seem to me that all she was culpable of doing is cutting her wait down to a half hour or so. It just seems backwards to me that it's considered the accepted standard that you will wait for them, but on the other hand if you show up a few minutes late - which in actuality is still early - you're screwed.

Quack, quack, quack, quack.

Labels:


Thursday, June 26, 2008
The Definition of Irony...
My first born wants to be a D.E.A. agent.

Tags:

Labels:


Monday, June 23, 2008
m/a/z/e/y Doolittle
In the past couple weeks I've seen a kangaroo rat, some weird arse woodpecker and a turkey vulture.

And I checked out a field guide for birds @ the library. I really need to hit a city soon.

That is all.....quit yr staring.

p.s. And last night I watched The Yearling.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Labels:


Thursday, June 19, 2008
Nine (Years)

Nine, originally uploaded by m/a/z/e & Molliwogg.

Reposted image, but it's my anniversary so....

Labels: , ,


Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Great Headline
Only 2 Quakes Today.

John and Jenn are in tornado-land, we're in earthquake-ville. Why the hell did we move from PDX again?

Labels: , ,


Tuesday, August 28, 2007
The Dark Side of the Moon
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill

And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon. - Pink Floyd (Brain Damage)


That's no moon... - Han Solo

There are some advantages to living 6500 feet above sea level on the side of a mountain - even more so when that mountain happens to contain Lake Tahoe. For starters, light pollution is minimal. Last night we spent a couple hours sitting on our deck watching the moon slowly get eaten by the earth's shadow, changing from bright white to a cigarette burn in the sky...pretty freaking cool if you ask me.

When we first moved out here a couple weeks ago the Perseid's were in full force. Again another night spent on the deck watching the night sky. The lack of light pollution making a major difference. Love it, love it, love it.

There are downsides to living up here too - for starters the area boasts the highest concentration of rich people anywhere in Nevada. And while I've never been a big fan of rich people, I hate their kids even more. The other day Molliwogg spotted a teenager getting out of a brand new Lexus bearing a bumper sticker reading, "Daddy bought, but I got it."

You'll excuse me while I go vomit.

Still, I did meet one cool rich lady at Clinton's visit a week or so ago. It seems with rich people, the older they get, the cooler they are. On the flip side, the younger they are, the more likely you want to hide their body parts in random locations across the desert.

However the upsides far outweigh the annoyances - the aforementioned celestial slide shows, cat-sized squirrels carrying football-sized pine cones up trees, hawks and chipmunks everywhere (the great circle of life Simba), all kinds of bird life including the Steller's Jay - mascot of my old high school in Alaska. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I saw a bald eagle a couple weeks ago - it could have been a hawk with the sun hitting it just right. The last time I saw a bald eagle was in Seattle of all places nearly a decade ago. It's funny, growing up in Alaska you kind of took them for granted, in the lower 48, seeing one is an event.

My first week here I met and shook hands with President Clinton; a meeting I'm still giddy about. And I haven't been to Reno going on three weeks now. Life is good.

Haven't seen any bears yet, but I have seen evidence of them - ransacked trash bins, countless newspaper articles, and everyone here seems to have a story about an encounter. It's only a matter of time.

Another upside to living out here is either a) rich people don't bowl, or b) rich people have bowling lanes in their homes. Every time we've gone down to the local alley, it's been empty. More lanes for us. :)

Anyhoo....back to your regularly scheduled de-programming.

Labels: ,


Thursday, August 09, 2007
Adventures of a Culinary Padawan
Mom always said I would wind up flipping burgers - in my family motivation and belittlement are synonyms. Nevertheless, I have to give credit where credit is due; I have been flipping quite a few burgers lately.

In the last year or so that I finished - then slipped into near-perpetual rewrite of - a book I've been working on (Itself one third of a larger body of work.), I've been thinking a lot about cooking.

The last few months have been especially topsy-turvy: I was accepted into the Oregon Culinary Institute, and later the University of Nevada. Between these two schools, I endlessly debated whether or not to go to Lake Tahoe Community College to take up their culinary program. In the end, I split the difference and took a gig as a Culinary Padawan in Lake Tahoe.

The rational behind ditching the OCI classes, despite the seriously screaming case of homesickness I've developed over the last couple years, is Molliwogg's gig is skyrocketing in leaps and bounds and it would be stupid, not to mention incredibly selfish, to leave now. As a consolation prize, we're moving to Lake Tahoe which, for those of you keeping score, most certainly does not suck.

Ditching UNR is another story; I have a serious agro-mentality when it comes to higher education and the pomposity that comes with it. I'll spare you the details for now, but for those of you reading this entry on Edible Foods, check back later on Comentario Loco for a blog entry or two on that subject. I have a lot more respect for people, including myself, who succeed despite a college education than I do for those who succeed because of one. Molliwogg, John, and David (wife and two closest friends respectively) are prime examples of this. Although Molliwogg is currently pursuing her Bachelor's so I'm going to have to kick her out of the club soon enough.

The added advantage of this decision is I'm being paid for learning something that, up until a few weeks ago, I was planning to pay someone to teach me.

Enough of the thought process, it's time to get back to the gig. It's a strange situation - a mix between buffet-style industrial cooking and high-end catering. The high-end catering aspect of the gig is supposed to get pretty interesting next week, but I'll save that for another entry. Suffice to say my employer is on notice that they have their choice of either of my testicles provided they get me in on that gig.

I've been a (hyper)active cook at home for years now - experimenting, dinking around, that sort of thing - but nearly everything I knew about cooking flew straight out the window on my first day. Cooking in a professional environment has certainly changed my views on...well, everything. My knife skills - more than adequate in the confines of my own kitchen - resemble a two-year-old's new do after finding mommy's scissors. At home I cooked things until I thought they were done; at work I've learned the health department has something to say about what's done and what's not done - each morning I calibrate thermometers and every afternoon and evening I spear random dead animals to see if their internal temperature is up to snuff.

Don't get me wrong though, I wasn't totally clueless, I've read Kitchen Confidential and Heat a few times - the culinary equivalents of What to Expect When You're Expecting - and cribbed at least a vague understanding of what I was getting myself into. From Molliwogg's past stints as a bartender, and my own experience taking classes for the Oregon Food Handler's Card a few years back I've garnered a rudimentary understanding of food safety and sanitation. It's not a degree from the CIA, but those experiences, along with a few others, provided a small foundation from which to build from.

As I mentioned in the opening paragraph, I flipped a lot of burgers my first couple of days - somewhere north of two hundred - along with dozens of marinated chicken breasts and whatever else the powers that be though safe enough to throw at the nervous newbie. I also whipped up a giant pot of cheesy broccoli soup that, if I do say so myself, came out pretty good.

I'm at the end of my third week of culinary Jedi school and have sunk into a routine of prep work in the morning, salad and sandwich duties (I'm sort of a low rent garde manger in that respect.), along with helping cook lunch and dinner.

Out of those duties, the bulk of my time is spent on prep - paying my dues while learning. Three or four hours a day spent cutting julienne bell peppers and onions gives one plenty of opportunity to practice knife skills. As such I've become pretty good with the julienne technique. Dicing, now that's a different story all together. I'm still wrapping my head around that one - trying to get the cuts just right so the guts of whatever I'm dicing don't explode all over the cutting board, honing accuracy, working on speed, etc. Wearing a cut glove while practicing isn't all that great - I understand the necessity, but man does it get in the way of things - but things are progressing, and hey, I haven't cut myself yet, so I'll have to consider that a good thing.

While saving my skin from unnatural separation, my time there has not been without a few blunders. Dumping half a pot of freshly cooked pasta all over the floor wasn't one of my prouder moments, and causing my co-workers to flee bite-sized projectiles of tofu and broccoli florets while I gave a rather poor imitation of tossing a saute together will haunt me for the rest of my days. But it's all good.

At any rate, I'll keep updating this portion of Edible Foods when the mood hits me - sort of a day-in-the-life series on what it's like to be a Culinary Padawan. Check maze1971.com for non-food related blog entries if you're interested.

Labels: ,


Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Are you there Sid? It's me Marqrette
Today I packed my groceries into reusable, and ever-so-fashionable, Hawaiian print Trader Joe's bags (At Winco thank you very much, I do have a tiny - infinitesimal, really - shred of dignity.) then loaded them into my hip, pill-shaped hybrid vehicle.

You'll excuse me if I go tattoo something now.

Labels:


Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Eight Years & Counting...

Love, Lego Style, originally uploaded by m/a/z/e & Molliwogg.

Labels:


Wednesday, February 07, 2007
100 Things About Me (76-100)
I realized I never finished my little 100 Things About Me posts, so here's the last batch.

76. I have conservatively been hired for a hundred or so jobs. I haven't worked at hundred jobs, but I've been hired for them - some I never showed up for, some I went through training and bailed, others I just wanted to see if I could get the gig. It sounds like a large number until you take into account I've been working more or less since I was 14. I'm 35 now, so that averages around five gigs a year.
77. I'm seriously thinking about going to culinary school.
78. The logic behind culinary school is if I get a gig doing something I actually like doing, I might go through fewer jobs.
79. Still, I kind of enjoy being a jack-of-all-trades. I don't have a great deal of experience in any one thing, but I can do a little of everything.
80. I don't believe in regret.
81. My favorite TV show to date is Northern Exposure. Props to Universal HD for airing reruns.
82. Twin Peaks is a very close second.
83. I always thought it was ironic that my two favorite shows were filmed miles apart from each other.
84. I've been to both filming locations.
85. Speaking of Twin Peaks, when the hell is Season Two going to come out on DVD? (Okay, I just checked Amazon and found out it's coming out in April... about time!)
86. I live in perpetual fear of bad air. I can't eat Whoppers anymore and when opening Pringles, I hold the can as far away from me as possible then poke it with a knife to avoid inhaling any canned air.
87. This paranoia is a major source of entertainment for my daughter.
88. The paranoia is made even more ironic by the fact that I smoke.
89. I'm trying to quit... for real this time.
90. I like to blame John for lots of stuff, he's like a pusher. Garth Brooks 'Friends in Low Places', American Chopper, Flickr. Fuckr.
91. For some reason I left Phoenix, Arizona from the number one entry on this list. I lived there for a couple months back in '89. I was attacked there, harassed by cops and temporarily arrested for a mob fight I had nothing to do with. Fun town.
92. I think there should be a law requiring any movie with narration to be narrated by Morgan Freeman. In a separate bill, all movies not requiring narration shall have Morgan Freeman providing the DVD commentary tracks.
93. Along with a friend, I tried to steal an entire hospital piece by piece. Over time, I managed to get a small suitcase worth of loot - stethoscopes, tongue depressors, etc.
94. I've always wanted a telescope. I'd love to get into astronomy, I just haven't gotten off my ass to pursue it.
95. And a submarine. Every year I ask Santa for a submarine, but never get one.
96. I have some kind of reading disorder. I used to think it was dyslexia, but after doing some research, I don't think it is. I'll do a post explaining it in a day or two, maybe someone out there will know what it is, if anything, and can fill me in.
97. I've been obsessing on the Beach Boys lately. I always like Good Vibrations, Kokomo, etc., but I never realized just how mind-blowingly amazing they are until just recently.
98. I'm making sourdough bread as I'm typing this.
99. I made a sourdough starter a few days ago. I wish I realized how nauseating that stuff smells.
100. This space intentionally left blank.

Labels: ,


Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Love Lost
I was rummaging through some old poetry for a project I'm working on and came across this. I wrote it sometime around 93-95.

7 am
Up all night being down
Dawn slowly fades into view
Thoughts of you race through a mind
Already clouded with insomnia

Past and present blur into one
Focus on the now
That's all there is

You left last week
Goodbyes never do me well
Like withdrawal
Just not as pleasant
You'll be missed
Life is your memory

Love tattooed across my body
Exposed too long to the sun
Faded and blurry
But the stain never goes away

Tags: ,

Labels: ,


Sunday, November 05, 2006
Brushes with Fame III
Al Strobel - You may not recognize the name, but if you ever watched Twin Peaks, you're probably familiar with Phillip Michael Gerard aka The One-Armed Man. Al's a longtime resident of Portland, Oregon and could often be found riding his bike around town. In fact, the first time I saw him was when he rode past me in Northwest Portland after I finished a Twin Peaks marathon. Dazed from hours of sleep deprivation and marijuana consumption, having the One-Armed Man ride by on a bicycle moments after I left him on my TV set was more than a little unnerving.

Flash forward a year or so later and Molliwogg and I found ourselves regulars at the Goose Hollow Inn. A former roommate had just hired on at the Goose and, being big fans of free drinks, we quickly made ourselves natives. Turns out Al was a regular as well and, after a week or two, we finally sat down to break suds together.

Like the rest of the regulars there, Al's a really weird guy. I mean that in the best possible sense of the word. Very cool, very laid back, very broke and very weird. He could go on for hours talking about curling and various drug-induced road trips he took in his youth. Soon he ceased to be the One-Armed Man and became Al, just another one of the crazy old guys at the Goose.

Which is not to say he didn't know how to market himself on occasion. As par for the course, the bar closed around one and the Goose Crew would head out to a couple bars in Northwest to finally catch up with the people they have been serving all day. The posse numbered between five and ten people depending on who tagged along that night, and Al was often among us. Normally he'd dress the same as any old codger (again, I mean that in the best since of the word), but on the nights he'd come out drinking with us, he would sport a satin Twin Peaks jacket as a visual aid to alert anyone with doubts that, yes, he was that one-armed man.

Eventually Al moved out of the area and Molliwogg and I moved on from Portland, but we occasionally get status reports from friends who keep in contact with him.

The Dalai Lama - According to the Northwestern Tibetan Cultural Association website, this would have occurred in May 2001. The Dalai Lama was giving a two day speech in Portland's Pioneer Square. I had considered going but my need for spiritual enlightenment was far outweighed by my claustrophobic fears of standing in the midst of approximately a gazillion people crammed into one city block. I wound up forgetting about it all together.

I was living in Northwest Portland at the time and walked pretty much everywhere. Despite being more or less logically laid out, it still takes less time to walk from point A to point B in Portland, at least in the downtown/Northwest/Pearl District, than it does to drive. I had just crossed one of the many 405 overpasses when I noticed a motorcade coming up on me - lots of cops on motorcycles, pretty red and blue lights, the whole nine yards. I figured it was a cop funeral.

I'm watching them pass and as the limousine they were escorting goes by, I notice the back window is open and, half-hanging out of it, the Dalai Lama is smiling and waving to the few of us that happened to be walking by. We made eye contact and I managed to lift my arm just enough to perform a passable, but totally lame wave. And then he was gone.

This will forever remain the most surreal moment of my life. The only things I can think of that would even come close on the bizarre-o-meter, would be turning the corner and seeing Bigfoot, or bumping into Elvis at the local tavern. (Although I'm pretty sure I saw Elvis working at the St. Johns Safeway in Portland, but that's another story.)

That's about it as far as brushes with fame go. Molliwogg and I passed by Martin Sheen in a Vegas casino once, and she ran into Erik Estrada in the Reno International Airport - a meeting I would kill to have on my resume. I'll settle for what I got, but man, Ponch? That's too cool.

Labels: ,


Friday, November 03, 2006
Brushes with Fame pt. II
Greg Graffin (Bad Religion) - On October 15, 1993, I caught Bad Religion at La Luna in sunny Portland, Oregon. After the show I called a cab to head home and a few minutes later Mary the cabbie entered my life. Mary was straight out of Night on Earth - funky, feisty, and most certainly deranged - my kind of gal. Anyway, she got my call but had a fare ahead of me so she shooed me off with the promise she'd be back for me in ten minutes or so. No prob.

I waited outside the venue people watching and eavesdropping until, true to her word, Mary came back to get me. Walking over to the cab, I was cockblocked by a couple gorillas seeking to claim my ride. Seeing me come over, one them throws a mitt in my face and in an officious tone barks, "This cab's for Bad Religion!"

Whatever.

Before I can respond, Mary goes Rambo on their asses, "Oh no it isn't! This cab's for Marq!" At this point all I can do is smile, there's something infinitely charming about having your honor defended by a total stranger.

Realizing there was no room for argument, the gorillas backed off. I hopped in the cab and, after thanking Mary for coming to my defense, let her know I had no qualms splitting the ride with any member of the band looking for a lift. It was at that moment I learned a valuable lesson. Like cops and emergency vehicles, cabs can go just about anywhere and no one will say a word.

Seconds later we've driven past more gorillas and found ourselves safely ensconced in the back parking lot with the band - a location off-limits to anyone but authorized personnel and, apparently, cabbies. Greg Graffin, the band's lead singer, walks over to the cab and leans into the driver's side window to let Mary know he won't be needing a ride after all. I'm pretty sure he hadn't realized the cab was occupied until I piped up in full-on Chester the Molester creepy fanboy mode. "C'mon Greg. C'mon Mr. Rock Star. We got some candy in here, all you need to do is get inside." Granted these were not my exact words, but I have no doubt that's how they came off.

Despite my obvious charm, Mr. Graffin managed to resist the urge to drive off into the night with a crazed fan. Still, the evening wasn't a total bust, I did manage to get him to sign my ticket, even if it was from a safe distance.

Mojo Nixon - I've long held the belief that everyone should see at least one Mojo Nixon concert in their lifetime. To date, I've managed to catch three, and now that Nixon is "unretired," I'm hoping for the opportunity to see a couple more.

The second time I saw him was on December 4, 1994 at the Key Largo (now Ohm) in Portland, Oregon. After the show I was waiting for my date to return from the restroom when I noticed a small crowd congregating around Nixon a few feet away. I had some time to kill, so I walked over and stood in line to have my minute of Mojo.

When it was my turn to say hello, I found Nixon staring into his hand at the gift a previous fan palmed him as he said goodbye. He looked up at me, held out his hand and asked, "What do you think this is?"

In his outstretched palm was a nice sized chunk of marijuana. I got the feeling this was a trick question as Nixon was wearing a High Times shirt at the time, and it seemed especially strange that a touring musician would have to ask the identity of an illicit substance, especially one as pedestrian as Mary Jane, but I told him anyway. His response surprised me even more.

"Never touch the stuff."

Now I'm confused. This is rock-n-roll. That's a High Times shirt he's wearing. Is Mojo a narc? Am I on Candid Camera? Before I could assimilate any of this, he asked me if I wanted it.

"You bet! Thanks man."

Narc or no narc, I've never been one to turn down free herbage. By this time my date had found me and it was time to split. We got home without being pulled over, reassuring me that Nixon wasn't wired, and proceeded to blaze. This is my favorite concert stories ever. Not only did a rocker give me free drugs, I didn't have to wake up the next morning sore and three hundred miles from home to get it. Thanks Mojo.

To be continued...

Labels:


Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Brushes with Fame pt. I

Johnny Cash - The Fourth Avenue Theater in downtown Anchorage, Alaska has gone through more changes than Madonna. Since it's opening in 1947, the building's been used as a traditional theater, a movie house, concert hall, special events venue and more, even one of the local television stations set up shop there at one point. Carrying on to this day, no one seems to know what to do with the place.

When I was thirteen years old, I went down to the Fourth Avenue to catch Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (imdb lists the release date as July 1985, so it would have been sometime around then). The movie itself sucked, but you probably already knew that. After it was over I waited around the outside of the theater for a while - either for a bus or for my mother to come pick me up, I don't remember which. A few minutes into my wait, Johnny Cash walks past. I'm not sure what he was doing in Alaska at the time, it wasn't to play a show, but it was him. I give it a 5 out of ten on the surreal-o-meter.

Lars Ulrich (Metallica) - According to the Encyclopedia Metallica (Who knew there was such a thing?), this would have happened in May 1989. Metallica played the Sullivan Arena on the 27th - a show I had tickets to, but walked out before the band even started, but that's another story - the following evening their drummer, Lars Ulrich, and posse showed up at the theater I was working at to catch a flick. Within minutes of their arrival the word spread - an impressive feat in the pre-cell phone days - and a couple hundred fans lined the entrance of the theater waiting for a glimpse of their hairy hero.

One of my duties at the theater was to perform hourly visual checks on the bathrooms - check the temperature, make sure there were paper towels, that sort of thing. Shortly after Metalliboy arrives, I head into the bathroom to make my rounds and am stopped cold by the realization that the only other person in the bathroom is, of course, Ulrich. Hearing me enter, Lars turned his head to see me stop dead in my tracks. Our eyes locked. The rock star and the crazy punker kid dressed up in a tuxedo, six feet apart, one hand holding a million dollar Johnson, another holding a two dollar clipboard. You could almost hear spaghetti western music playing in the background - this was a showdown, and an awkward one at that.

After what seemed like hours, but was in reality two or three seconds, it became obvious that as the least occupied member (pun intended) of the showdown, I had to make the first move. I did the only thing a seventeen-year-old could do when faced with such absurdity, I rolled my eyes while executing an about face so rigid it would have brought a tear to Col. Klink's monocle and bailed.

To be continued...

Labels:


Tuesday, October 31, 2006
100 Things About Me (26-50)
26. I think all presidential elections should be decided via reality television. Set up three or four candidates, throw in a few wild cards from the civilian population and have them run through some kind of Amazing race meets Survivor meets Trivial Pursuit scenario. Set up a couple 900 numbers for voting and whoever "survives" wins the presidency. As an added bonus, all proceeds from voting could go to charity, paying off the national debt, etc. It couldn't be any worse than the current system.
27. There are two practical jokes I've orchestrated that have lasted over five years.
28. I think the world would be a lot more interesting if everyone had cartoon eyes. Not the giant anime peepers that serve as little more than wank material for pedophiles in training, but old school Looney Tunes scientifically impossible eyeballs. How great would it be to see someone's eyes shoot out three feet from their sockets every time they heard something shocking?
29. I've never had a migraine and thus have no point of reference when people complain about them.
30. I'm not the most sympathetic person you'll ever meet.
31. I've been wearing the same pair of earrings for a decade now...I think it's time to get a new pair.
32. I've visited 29 out of the 50 states, most of them by driving which is the only way to travel. Who wants to hang out in airports?
33. I've seen Prince twice in concert, which is approximately 3000 times less than I would like.
34. I volunteer. I'm no where near close to doing it regularly, but I'm making progress.
35. I'd really like to learn/understand physics. If teachers in high school and college would have pitched physics as a cheap alternative to LSD, I may have paid more attention in math class.
37. I hate clowns.
38. I have more than one website. 1) ButchandSundance.com - this was more or less an experiment to see if I could tackle writing something like straight history. It's a subject I'm obsessed with. 2) HappyDeathInc.com - this one started out as my personal site and morphed over the years into an 800 page monster. More or less a shrine to pop culture, there's WWII propaganda posters, vintage bowling ads, circus posters (an odd choice given my fear of clowns), and a lot more stashed in the archives. 3) EdibleFoods.com - this site won't be up for a couple more months, but I always loved the name and a couple years ago it became free so I snatched it up. 4) maze1971.com - the page your on right now. Since Happy Death outgrew me, this site has become the new digs. There's one more site coming, but I'm not quite done with it yet.
39. Anyone with more than one webpage has to be a total nerd.
40. I believe in ghosts.
41. The two strangest places I've ever had sex would have to the glass elevator at the Anchorage International Airport and during a sold out showing of Wild at Heart.
42. I love the smell of coffee but hate the taste. The first time I had a sip, I wound up dry heaving for three hours.
43. While I can no longer tell them apart, I hate the smell of butterscotch and French Vanilla. The two scents, along with a couple others, have all merged into the same sickly sweet smell and nothing can make me nauseous quicker. Kahlua falls into this category which completely bums me out as I used to love White Russians, but now can't stand to be anywhere near them.
44. Airports remind me of hospitals. They both smell weird, I never know anyone there and I always get lost.
45. I believe the best revenge is simply letting people live their own lives. It's not the fastest route, but it's usually the most effective.
46. I think everyone should go sledding in the mountains surrounding Lake Tahoe at least once before they die. It's amazing.
47. I've seen Spearhead in concert 11 times in three states.
48. I love cows. And they're pretty tasty too.
49. I once had a missing persons report filed on me in three states by MTV. I was hanging out in Atlantic City at the time.
50. I never get sick - the flu, colds, none of the stuff anyone else gets on a regular basis - the worst thing I'll suffer is a particularly nasty hangover. But every four years or so I wind up in the emergency room for something crazy no one's ever heard of - weird stomach viruses that jack up your temperature to 104 degrees, bizarre stuff.

Labels:


Friday, October 27, 2006
100 Things About Me (1-25)
  1. I was born in Los Angeles, California, raised in Anchorage, Alaska and have since lived in Portland, Seattle, Cleveland, Las Vegas and Reno.
  2. Ethnically speaking, I'm a mutt - a mix of Irish, Mexican and Scottish.
  3. Spiritually speaking, I'm a mutt - a little Taoism here, some Buddhism there, toss in a handful of particularly poignant song lyrics, and a fortune cookie slogan or two and you pretty much get the idea.
  4. I think you'd be hard pressed to find anything more evil in this world than organized religion. Except maybe politics.
  5. I truly believe you can learn everything you need to know about being a good person and how to treat others and the world around you from Kermit the Frog.
  6. I can't stand compliments.
  7. I have no contact with either of my biological parents or siblings. There's an unspoken agreement that it's just better that way.
  8. Consequently, I've had to redefine and reorganize my concept of "family." I think I've done a pretty good job.
  9. I met Molliwogg in a high school photography class. We wound up dating for a couple months, then broke up. Eight years later she called me out of the blue while I was living in Seattle. I moved to Alaska for a couple months, she later moved down to Portland with me, and we've been married ever since. Life goes in cycles.
  10. I've known my best friend for twenty years now. I don't know why, but that blows me away.
  11. I listen to Christmas music everyday.
  12. The craziest drug experience I've had was in high school when, along with three friends, I took 6-8 over-the-counter motion sickness pills and hallucinated for the next 16 hours straight. I've dropped a lot of acid in my time and the this trip put the others to shame. It's the difference between an old-fashioned black and white TV and HD. Highlights include a group hallucination of two kids fighting in the middle of the street at four in the morning over a piece of steak, and stalking about my house Willard-style unplugging every appliance I could find in an effort to turn off the music that wasn't playing in the first place.
  13. I had a gun pulled on me while tripping on acid once. I'll never forget that.
  14. Unfortunately, that's not the only time I've looked down the business end of a gun.
  15. Despite my experience with guns, despite being a bleeding-heart-pinko-commie-liberal, I'm all for the second amendment and have zero problems with firearms (unless they happen to be pointed in my general direction). I just think making the argument that AK-47's and other automatic weapons are for "hunting" is pretty retarded.
  16. In the 8th grade I got into my first real fight. During the course of the fight I slammed my opponent's face into a locker and smashed out his front teeth. I carry a lot of guilt over that to this day - there's nothing more sickening than knowing someone is carrying around that kind of permanent reminder of you. At any rate that fight pretty much turned me on to pacifism in every situation other than pure self-defense.
  17. I've worked for MTV, Kodak, Xerox, adidas and a handful of software companies you know by name. Essentially, I'm a corporate whore with a spotty resume.
  18. The day gigs serve no other purpose than to pay for the dream gig - writing. I have zero career aspirations other than to gain the ability to print my own books.
  19. I'm a pretty kicking cook. I went vegetarian for about three years in an attempt to jump start the way I think about food. The end result was a healthy (literally and figuratively) passion for cooking.
  20. For reasons I don't fully understand, complete strangers have a tendency to come up to me out of the blue and tell me their life stories and problems. This has happened more times than I can count. I'm not sure if I have the face of a psychologist or what, but I've had people tell me things they wouldn't tell the people who are closest to them. Makes going down to the neighborhood tavern fun.
  21. I have a severe love/hate relationship with Portland, Oregon. Everyone in that town is fucking nuts. If you've ever lived of visited PDX, you know I'm not exaggerating. Intellectual rednecks is a term that comes to mind and depending on what day of the week you ask, that's either an insult or the highest compliment. Still, Portland knows how to drink and for that I have to give it props.
  22. The first concert I went to I accidentally set someone's hair on fire.
  23. While an accident, it was probably symptomatic of a greater leaning towards pyromania. When I was a kid I set a couple empty fields on fire and burned down the garden section of the local Pay-n-Save. Now I conduct my "experiments" only in the fireplace.
  24. Based on those experiments I can tell you that burning chicken bones will make your entire house smell like B.O. for a minimum of a week and that Levi jeans retain their shape even while transformed into glowing embers.
  25. Although I haven't watched it regularly in a while, I have an unabashed love for professional wrestling.

Labels: , , , ,


Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Definition of Irony
I lived in the Pacific Northwest for about 13 years before moving to Reno, Molliwogg about 7. Now that we have moved, we each have jobs with (seperate) major PNW companies. I feel a bit like Gonzo from the first Muppet movie who, before joining the gang, was making his way to Bombay, India to break into the movies - this is pre-Bollywood mind you. Anyway, I just thought that was strange.

Tags: ,

Labels:


Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Bangkok Shakes, Saigon Quakes, Cleveland Rocks
I'm having a bit of a High Fidelity moment here folks so bear with me. I present my all-time top five most (and least) favorite cities.

Favorite:

Astoria, Oregon/Reno, Nevada (tie): Both are small towns (Astoria being significantly smaller), both with their own unique culture and attitude. To tolerate either city you need to have a certain fortitude. Being on the Oregon Coast isn't all kite flying and Haystack Rock, you have to be able to handle some hurricane-like storms as well. Reno's 5000 feet up and seemingly positioned directly under the sun and trust me when I say at this altitude, the sun has a bit of an attitude problem. I haven't spent a winter here yet, so I don't have anything to say about that - yet. I've always maintained that crazy people in small towns are far more nuts than crazy people in larger towns-Portland, Oregon being the exception as the whole damn city is off their rocker. Astoria and Reno have proven themselves true to this theory, something I find infinitely charming.

Cleveland, Ohio: I cannot stress enough how nice the citizens of Cleveland are. Scarily nice. So nice that one starts to ponder what dark secret they must be hiding, because surely no city can be that nice all the time-it has to be a ruse. Do they eat tourists? Is there something to the abundance of hot wings and the noticeable lack of chicken farms? What's in Lake Erie? During my stay there I remained vigilant, afterwards I spent hours on the internet conducting searches looking for clues. I am happy to report that my efforts were fruitless, the citizens of Cleveland are not part of a vast conspiracy, rather they are actually truly nice people.

Seattle, Washington: I lived in Seattle for about nine months, and if weren't for Molliwogg calling me out of the blue, I'd probably still be there. Bumpershoot is cool. The Vogue is Cool. The Hurricane Cafe is one of my favorite places to eat in the country. Just about the only bad thing I can say about Seattle is what they've done to my former neighborhood, Capitol Hill. The Yuppie machine has taken a once quirky neighborhood and turned it into another sterile shopping/mixed-use nightmare. You used to be able to walk down the street and see gutter punks standing next to grandmas standing next to drag queens, it was beautiful. Now the main drag just looks like a pin-striped nightmare. Gross.

Portland, Oregon: I've lived in Portland the longest-off and on since I was eighteen. Certainly not the most perfect town in the world, for every positive thing you can say about the place there are at least three negatives. But it's been home for the most part. It rains a lot, the summer's are unbearable, at times it seems everyone is an alcoholic and the cops have this nasty habit of shooting unarmed black people. At the same time, it's one of the greenest places you'll ever see in your life, it's close to Astoria and some of my best friends live there. You take the good with the bad and you call it home.

Ashland, Oregon: I'm cheating here as I have not spent much time Ashland, but I defy anyone to drive down the I-5 corridor through Ashland (Southern Oregon in general really) and not fall in love. Rolling hills, a sea of green in the summer, amber and red in the fall. It's awesome.

Least Favorite:

Phoenix, Arizona: In the three months I lived in Phoenix the following events happened-I was almost arrested for starting a gang fight/riot that not only did I not commit, but was rather innocently talking to my girlfriend in Alaska a full half-block away at the time. I was stopped by the local cops for such nefarious crimes as walking down the street and running up to the Circle K to get a soda. I was assaulted by a crazed relative of my roommate, caught in a bizarre love triangle between two of my bosses who wanted to sleep with me, followed by countless skinheads, yelled at by old people for painting my jacket in the local mall as well as a dozen or so other incidents. I would rather walk around naked in Detroit with an armful of hundred dollar bills than ever go back there.

Anchorage, Alaska: I grew up in Anchorage and I'm still working my way through the damage that did to my psyche. In second grade one of my friends hung himself off the jungle gym at school and while you may not think it possible, things got progressively worse from there. On the other hand I met Molliwogg in high school in Anchorage and we've been married going on six years now, so I guess there are positive things to say about the place.

Portland, Oregon: See above. I've got a bit of a love/hate thing going on here.

Yakima, Washington: Nothing against the people of Yakima-I'm sure they are all fine citizens. It's just that I got food poisoning here once after seeing Lollapalooza in the Columbia Gorge. For a solid week I had all sorts of nasties spurting from every part of my body, one of the handful of times I thought I was going to die. For you road-weary travelers out there, stay away from the Taco Bell, they put the yak in Yakima.

Albany, Oregon: You can smell this town from five miles out while driving down I-5, I don't know how the residents stand it. There's some kind of wood-processing plant off the side of the highway belching out the foulest potpourri known to mankind, it's like a cross between dead skunk and feet.

Labels: , , ,


Sunday, June 22, 2003
Postcards from the edge.
Things I did in Reno by m/a/z/e: Grade 30-something
  • Lost a lot of money-Duh
  • Met an executive with a flatulence problem
  • Watched street sweepers smear horse poop across the main strip. (Quite the scatological trip I know, but there was a rodeo going on.)
  • Chatted with a convict.
  • Visited the Museum of Prostitution in Virginia City.
  • Drunkenly celebrated four years of marriage.
  • Tried in vain to shoot a man just to watch him die.
  • Attempted to flash the Xtreme Machine riders flying by our window.
At any rate, I got a few groovy new photo's for Roadside Chic to be posted shortly (VW Spider Bugs, the afore mentioned Museum of Prostitution, etc.), and now I'm back...in Portland. "Hi, we're in Portland." Starting a new gig tomorrow, redesigning the site and utterly miserable being home again.

Tags:

Labels: , ,


Wednesday, April 16, 2003
Latest Dreams
I'm trying to turn John Belushi onto the Revolting Cocks, but he keeps handing me the wrong album.

I've got two ovens turned up all the way, each contains one body. There's a garage sale going on, and the customers want to know when the brownies they smell will be ready. I smile and light some incense. I have no idea who is in the ovens or why I put them there.

Labels: ,


x
Archives: March 2003  April 2003  May 2003  June 2003  July 2003  August 2003  September 2003  October 2003  November 2003  December 2003  January 2004  February 2004  March 2004  April 2004  May 2004  June 2004  July 2004  August 2004  September 2004  October 2004  November 2004  December 2004  January 2005  February 2005  March 2005  April 2005  May 2005  June 2005  July 2005  August 2005  September 2005  October 2005  November 2005  December 2005  January 2006  February 2006  March 2006  April 2006  May 2006  June 2006  July 2006  August 2006  September 2006  October 2006  November 2006  December 2006  January 2007  February 2007  March 2007  April 2007  May 2007  June 2007  July 2007  August 2007  September 2007  October 2007  November 2007  December 2007  January 2008  February 2008  March 2008  April 2008  May 2008  June 2008  July 2008  August 2008  September 2008  October 2008  November 2008  December 2008 
x

Copyright 2006 - 2008  m/a/z/e

All Rights Reserved