26. I think all presidential elections should be decided via reality television. Set up three or four candidates, throw in a few wild cards from the civilian population and have them run through some kind of Amazing race meets Survivor meets Trivial Pursuit scenario. Set up a couple 900 numbers for voting and whoever "survives" wins the presidency. As an added bonus, all proceeds from voting could go to charity, paying off the national debt, etc. It couldn't be any worse than the current system. 27. There are two practical jokes I've orchestrated that have lasted over five years. 28. I think the world would be a lot more interesting if everyone had cartoon eyes. Not the giant anime peepers that serve as little more than wank material for pedophiles in training, but old school Looney Tunes scientifically impossible eyeballs. How great would it be to see someone's eyes shoot out three feet from their sockets every time they heard something shocking? 29. I've never had a migraine and thus have no point of reference when people complain about them. 30. I'm not the most sympathetic person you'll ever meet. 31. I've been wearing the same pair of earrings for a decade now...I think it's time to get a new pair. 32. I've visited 29 out of the 50 states, most of them by driving which is the only way to travel. Who wants to hang out in airports? 33. I've seen Prince twice in concert, which is approximately 3000 times less than I would like. 34. I volunteer. I'm no where near close to doing it regularly, but I'm making progress. 35. I'd really like to learn/understand physics. If teachers in high school and college would have pitched physics as a cheap alternative to LSD, I may have paid more attention in math class. 37. I hate clowns. 38. I have more than one website. 1) ButchandSundance.com - this was more or less an experiment to see if I could tackle writing something like straight history. It's a subject I'm obsessed with. 2) HappyDeathInc.com - this one started out as my personal site and morphed over the years into an 800 page monster. More or less a shrine to pop culture, there's WWII propaganda posters, vintage bowling ads, circus posters (an odd choice given my fear of clowns), and a lot more stashed in the archives. 3) EdibleFoods.com - this site won't be up for a couple more months, but I always loved the name and a couple years ago it became free so I snatched it up. 4) maze1971.com - the page your on right now. Since Happy Death outgrew me, this site has become the new digs. There's one more site coming, but I'm not quite done with it yet. 39. Anyone with more than one webpage has to be a total nerd. 40. I believe in ghosts. 41. The two strangest places I've ever had sex would have to the glass elevator at the Anchorage International Airport and during a sold out showing of Wild at Heart. 42. I love the smell of coffee but hate the taste. The first time I had a sip, I wound up dry heaving for three hours. 43. While I can no longer tell them apart, I hate the smell of butterscotch and French Vanilla. The two scents, along with a couple others, have all merged into the same sickly sweet smell and nothing can make me nauseous quicker. Kahlua falls into this category which completely bums me out as I used to love White Russians, but now can't stand to be anywhere near them. 44. Airports remind me of hospitals. They both smell weird, I never know anyone there and I always get lost. 45. I believe the best revenge is simply letting people live their own lives. It's not the fastest route, but it's usually the most effective. 46. I think everyone should go sledding in the mountains surrounding Lake Tahoe at least once before they die. It's amazing. 47. I've seen Spearhead in concert 11 times in three states. 48. I love cows. And they're pretty tasty too. 49. I once had a missing persons report filed on me in three states by MTV. I was hanging out in Atlantic City at the time. 50. I never get sick - the flu, colds, none of the stuff anyone else gets on a regular basis - the worst thing I'll suffer is a particularly nasty hangover. But every four years or so I wind up in the emergency room for something crazy no one's ever heard of - weird stomach viruses that jack up your temperature to 104 degrees, bizarre stuff.
Well, it might seem like we're not the ones to tell you, But who's in charge of your destiny, Some dumb fucker or is it? You know it's not what's in between your legs, but what's inside your head that counts. You say you're worthless, But i see through the bullshit - I see through the bullshit. We're not helpless; you can stand on your own two feet, So why do you let yourself be treated like a fucking piece of meat? You call it life, I call it rape, I call it prostitution, I don't know why you hate yourself, 'cos you're not ugly at all. So let the sunshine in, and chase away your blues, 'cos smilers never lose, and frowners never win. So let the sunshine in! I know it's fucking hard, but now it's time to try to start to let the sunshine in. And when you feel fucked up, yeah, life is in the gutter; Think about it for a minute, It's what you say that matters. Don't call it life, just call it rape, just call it prostitution, And you won't have to hate yourself, 'cos you know you're a beautiful person. Let the sunshine in, and chase away your blues, 'cos smilers never lose, and frowners never win. So let the sunshine in! I know it's fucking hard, But now it's time to try to start to let the sunshine in. The sun's gonna shine on you, The sun's gonna shine on you, The sun's gonna shine on you, So let the sunshine, let the sunshine through! The sun's gonna shine on you, The sun's gonna shine on you, The sun's gonna shine on you, So let the sunshine, let the sunshine, you gotta let the sunshine, Let the sunshine, let the sunshine, let the sunshine, let the sunshine, Let the sunshine, let the sunshine, let the sunshine through!
I was born in Los Angeles, California, raised in Anchorage, Alaska and have since lived in Portland, Seattle, Cleveland, Las Vegas and Reno.
Ethnically speaking, I'm a mutt - a mix of Irish, Mexican and Scottish.
Spiritually speaking, I'm a mutt - a little Taoism here, some Buddhism there, toss in a handful of particularly poignant song lyrics, and a fortune cookie slogan or two and you pretty much get the idea.
I think you'd be hard pressed to find anything more evil in this world than organized religion. Except maybe politics.
I truly believe you can learn everything you need to know about being a good person and how to treat others and the world around you from Kermit the Frog.
I can't stand compliments.
I have no contact with either of my biological parents or siblings. There's an unspoken agreement that it's just better that way.
Consequently, I've had to redefine and reorganize my concept of "family." I think I've done a pretty good job.
I met Molliwogg in a high school photography class. We wound up dating for a couple months, then broke up. Eight years later she called me out of the blue while I was living in Seattle. I moved to Alaska for a couple months, she later moved down to Portland with me, and we've been married ever since. Life goes in cycles.
I've known my best friend for twenty years now. I don't know why, but that blows me away.
The craziest drug experience I've had was in high school when, along with three friends, I took 6-8 over-the-counter motion sickness pills and hallucinated for the next 16 hours straight. I've dropped a lot of acid in my time and the this trip put the others to shame. It's the difference between an old-fashioned black and white TV and HD. Highlights include a group hallucination of two kids fighting in the middle of the street at four in the morning over a piece of steak, and stalking about my house Willard-style unplugging every appliance I could find in an effort to turn off the music that wasn't playing in the first place.
I had a gun pulled on me while tripping on acid once. I'll never forget that.
Unfortunately, that's not the only time I've looked down the business end of a gun.
Despite my experience with guns, despite being a bleeding-heart-pinko-commie-liberal, I'm all for the second amendment and have zero problems with firearms (unless they happen to be pointed in my general direction). I just think making the argument that AK-47's and other automatic weapons are for "hunting" is pretty retarded.
In the 8th grade I got into my first real fight. During the course of the fight I slammed my opponent's face into a locker and smashed out his front teeth. I carry a lot of guilt over that to this day - there's nothing more sickening than knowing someone is carrying around that kind of permanent reminder of you. At any rate that fight pretty much turned me on to pacifism in every situation other than pure self-defense.
I've worked for MTV, Kodak, Xerox, adidas and a handful of software companies you know by name. Essentially, I'm a corporate whore with a spotty resume.
The day gigs serve no other purpose than to pay for the dream gig - writing. I have zero career aspirations other than to gain the ability to print my own books.
I'm a pretty kicking cook. I went vegetarian for about three years in an attempt to jump start the way I think about food. The end result was a healthy (literally and figuratively) passion for cooking.
For reasons I don't fully understand, complete strangers have a tendency to come up to me out of the blue and tell me their life stories and problems. This has happened more times than I can count. I'm not sure if I have the face of a psychologist or what, but I've had people tell me things they wouldn't tell the people who are closest to them. Makes going down to the neighborhood tavern fun.
I have a severe love/hate relationship with Portland, Oregon. Everyone in that town is fucking nuts. If you've ever lived of visited PDX, you know I'm not exaggerating. Intellectual rednecks is a term that comes to mind and depending on what day of the week you ask, that's either an insult or the highest compliment. Still, Portland knows how to drink and for that I have to give it props.
The first concert I went to I accidentally set someone's hair on fire.
While an accident, it was probably symptomatic of a greater leaning towards pyromania. When I was a kid I set a couple empty fields on fire and burned down the garden section of the local Pay-n-Save. Now I conduct my "experiments" only in the fireplace.
Based on those experiments I can tell you that burning chicken bones will make your entire house smell like B.O. for a minimum of a week and that Levi jeans retain their shape even while transformed into glowing embers.
Although I haven't watched it regularly in a while, I have an unabashed love for professional wrestling.
Well, I'm walking on down Virginia Avenue Trying to find somebody to tell my troubles to. Harold's Club is closing, and everybody's going on home: What's a poor boy to do?
I'll just get on back into my short, make it back to the fort Sleep off all the crazy lizards inside of my brain. There's got to be some place that's better than this This life I'm leading's driving me insane
And let me tell you I'm dreaming...
Let me tell you that I'm dreaming to the twilight, this town has got me down. I've seen all the highlights, I've been walking all around I won't make a fuss, I'll take a Greyhound bus, carry me away from here: Tell me, what have I got to lose?
'Cause I'm walking on down Columbus Avenue The bars are all closing, 'cause it's quarter to two Every town I go to is like a lock without a key Those I leave behind are catching up on me, Let me tell you they're catching up on me, they're catching up on me Catching up on me, catching up on me, catching up on me.
A sincere thank you for turning us on to our new favorite drink. You've opened doors to levels of inebriation once thought to be obtained only in Tom Waits songs. We've managed to get knocked up three times this week alone. We thank you, our livers, on the other hand, may want some words.
m/a/z/e & Molliwogg
P.S. Tell Jason that we love the knock-knock jokes, but do they really have to come at 4am? And what's up with the crazy accents?
"What's art to me is based on a simple principle I read in a book a long time ago. It goes like this: Anything that doesn't have to do with survival or procreation is art. The reference goes like this: Caveman is chasin' the Cavewoman. He's got procreation in mind. He's just about to get to her, just about to grab her little tush. Suddenly they turn, and they see that there's a mammoth comin' out of the tree line, down into the clearing, dead straight for them. Suddenly his mind's on survival. Mammoth comes hard-chargin' right up to the edge of a cliff the guy and the gal duck out of the way, the beast plunges over the edge, a thousand feet straight vertical, down to his demise. And the caveman leans over the edge of the cliff, and gives him the finger.
That's art." - Excerpt from Crazy from the Heat by David Lee Roth
One of only a couple hundred thousand things one can learn from David Lee Roth and what used to be the amazing Van Halen.
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here....been busy with site redesigns, editing and life in general. As far as the site redesigns go, one down, one to go. Expect this page to fall back into its semi-regularly scheduled programming.
