Saturday, April 30, 2005
St. Johns Silhouette
Friday, April 29, 2005
Castle Ruins
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Faces of the Pearl
My Friend Flickr - High Tech Slides Part 2
We have finally signed up for Flickr to post more personal photos for friends and family. This is highly addictive. Have to be up in 3.5 hours but can't stop. Must post more photos. The Surgeon General should put a warning label on that site.
I have pondered this subject before but I am fixated on why we need to share our photos this way. What will happen when technology reaches the point where we can post whole memories of events?
- Molliwogg
Trivial Pursuit
Q. What man-made radioactive element was named after Albert Einstein in 1953?
(Highlight for Answer)
A. Einsteinium
This was the first time I answered a question with a joke answer and still got it right.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Portand's Liberty Bell
Psycho Neighbors/Thank God for 30-day Notices
So I'm getting into my car to go pick up my daughter when out of the corner of my eye I see one of my neighbors with a rather large kitchen knife. If I had normal neighbors this wouldn't be all that big a deal, as there would be the chance of some logical explanation for the blade. If only that were so. In fact I have psycho neighbors-ones that should not be allowed near butter knives much less a Norman Bates special.
Let me clarify something, these cats are not psycho as in, "dude, those cats are psycho." They're psycho as in someone with a medical degree has ran several tests and can say without a shadow of doubt, "dude, those cats are psycho."
Anyway, I'm sitting in my car watching Norman Jr. walk slowly into his garage. I guess now would be a good time to point out he was wearing khaki shorts, flip-flops and a Hawaiian shirt which just makes the scene all the more disturbing. At this point I don't know if anyone else is in the garage so I just sort of watch the scene unfold.
Once out of view the screaming begins, not "You stabbed me!" but, "You want me to go to the hospital, don' t you." He says this about six or seven times then walks out of the garage and sees me. I have to admit up until this point I was pretty casual about everything, now I've got a nutcase staring me down while holding the Excalibur of kitchen knives. He looks at me, looks back into the garage then tosses the knife out into the driveway and casually walks up the stairs to his house as if nothing has happened-and I'm sure in his chemically unbalanced cranium nothing has.
I took this as a sign to get the hell out of there and start backing up my car. As I'm backing up, psycho #2 comes barreling out of the garage, throws himself on the hood of my car and screams call 911. I nod my head-the international sign of "yes, I will call 911," and continue to back up. He gets off my car and twirls, yes twirls, about the driveway yelling for the other neighbors to call 911.
I finally get out of the driveway, pull around the block and call Molliwogg, explain the story and have her call 911 for me.
I got back to the house about five minutes later, just in time to see two cop cars, a fire truck and Norman Jr. being loaded into an ambulance, no doubt the recipient of a free visit with Nurse Ratched. Due to my tardiness I missed seeing Portland's finest pointing a bean-bag shotgun at Norman in an attempt to subdue him.
As Mr. Rogers would say, "these are the people in your neighborhood."
Friday, April 22, 2005
Fornication Nation
Checked out goth night at Ember's this past Wednesday for the first time in about a year. One of the highlights was a couple having sex at one of the tables. Given my somewhat sordid sexual history I don't consider myself a prude by any stretch of the imagination. However if you're going to bump uglies in public, would it kill you to at least be attractive? A Renaissance Fair reject molesting a methed out hippie while blocking the view of the dancefloor is just icky. Still, it made for cheap entertainment while we provided play-by-play to the, er...action.
Boy Thing: I am Faustas, Elven lord. I have chosen you to receive my seed!
Girl Thing: Rainbows!
Boy Thing: Concentrate wench! We must practice the tantric ways of lore...dammit I'm sticking to the chair again.
Girl Thing: Rainbows!
Monday, April 18, 2005
Unholy unions
The other day I watched the unholy meeting of the too-large truck and the stereotypical chick on a cell phone. Finally, I thought, the highways two most hated enemies meet in a death match. Alas, it was not meant to be, they missed each other by millimeters.
It got me thinking though. Ever notice (And yes, I'm aware that's a stereotypical and obnoxious way to start a story, but screw you this is my website.) when you're on the road cars are just cars? When you're pointing out a cool/ugly/rare/weird car, they're just cars. Chunks of steel rolling down the highway on rubber. Inanimate objects devoid of any and all humanity.
Until they piss you off.
Suddenly they revert to people.
"That asshole!"
Never, "that Ford!"
I find this very strange.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
The King of Saturday Market
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Worm Holes
Why is it that every few years or so we drag something up from the ocean that either was believed to be extinct eons ago, thought to be a myth, or something we just plain didn't know about until little Johnny pulled it up on his trawler? Makes you wonder what else is down there. Was Godzilla a future documentary that fell through the space time continuum?
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
This Story is Getting Weirder and Weirder Everyday
The Las Vegas woman who claimed she bit into a human finger along with her Wendy's chili has decided not to sue, her lawyer confirmed Wednesday. He wouldn't say whether that decision was prompted by a report that a woman in Nevada had lost her finger a month earlier in a leopard attack.
San Jose police say they're investigating a possible connection to the finger of a woman who owned several exotic animals and lost her digit in a leopard attack on Feb. 23. That woman, Sandy Allman, reportedly got her finger back in a bag of ice after the attack in Pahrump, Nev., about 45 miles from Las Vegas. - Reno Gazette-Journal
Santa: A Bowling Fool
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Look Into My Eyes
Russian Roulette
Forrest Gump popularized the saying, "life is like a box of chocolates..." which is really just a nice way of saying life is like a game Russian Roulette, you never know what chamber you're going to get next.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Bang.
Of course there will always be some fool who'll use an automatic, but we must let natural selection run its due course now and again.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Shasta
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Somebody Needs A Krill Sandwich
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Take That Trekkies!
If a movie isn't playing at a theater, will its fans still line up outside? For "Star Wars" fans, the answer is a befuddling yes.
Saturday, 46 days before "Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith" opens on May 19, the trilogy's enthusiasts began their vigil outside Grauman's Chinese Theater.
Problem is 20th Century Fox doesn't plan to open the film at the Chinese, opting instead for the ArcLight a few blocks east. - Variety
Monday, April 04, 2005
Anyone Speak Whale?
You'll Shoot Your Eye Out Kid
CLEVELAND - The home where the classic holiday movie "A Christmas Story" was filmed has been purchased on eBay by a California man for $150,000. Brian Jones could not resist when his wife told him eBay was offering the Cleveland home where the film family lived in the 1940s and the main character, a boy named Ralphie, daydreamed of shooting bad guys with a BB gun he hoped to get for Christmas. - Yahoo
I don't know what's cooler, the fact that you can get a four-bedroom house for $150k, or the fact that they guy is turning it into a museum.
Friday, April 01, 2005
7 Seconds - 25 Years & Counting
After 25 years, punk rockers 7 Seconds remain the most influential band to emerge from the Reno music scene.
The band continues to prove its importance to the national punk scene with the release of its first CD in five years, "Take it Back, Take it On, Take It Over!" on SideOneDummy.
"We're happy to get a new record out and let people know that, no, we are not doing a reunion tour and we are not broken up," said bassist Steve Youth by phone from his Reno home. - Reno Gazette-Journal
One Last Mitch Hedberg Quote
Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.
Mitch
If I made potato chips and put them in a can, people would say I was ripping off Pringles, but what if I put them in a bag?
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.
I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.
I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Fuck! Another One Bites The Dust.
ST. PAUL, Minn. - Mitch Hedberg, a Minnesota-born comedian who worked in nightclubs, television and film in a wide-ranging career, died in New Jersey, his family said. He was 37. - Yahoo
I finally got a chance to see Mitch at Giggles in Seattle a couple years ago. I'm speechless.
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