Tuesday, December 28, 2004
A Plethora of Pork Related Crimes
Meet Ernesto Hernandez-Rosales. The 39-year-old Oklahoma inmate has been charged with the pork chop assault of a fellow resident of the Lexington Correctional Center. According to investigators, Hernandez-Rosales tried last month to settle a beef by stabbing Jermaine Portillo, 21, in the eye with a "sharpened pork chop bone." (Link)
Meet Tammie Josette Peter. The Louisiana woman, 31, allegedly stabbed her 12-year-old son and 15-year-old brother after discovering that the older boy was cooking pork chops for himself. According to the below report prepared by Ouachita Parish sheriff's deputies, Peter went nuts after returning to her Monroe home late Sunday evening and seeing her sibling "cooking two pork chops for himself and none for anyone else." (Link)
Meet Austin Gullette. The 45-year-old Louisiana man was arrested Monday night for pig fornication (technically known as a "crime against nature" in the bayou). According to Ouachita Parish Sheriff's deputies, Gullette's own sister caught him violating her animal, a 125-pound Vietnamese potbelly named PePie. (Link)
All links courtesy of The Smoking Gun. It's a sick sad world folks.
Tags: pork, crimes, pork crimes, pig, Smoking Gun, m/a/z/e
Monday, December 27, 2004
Sign Of The Times
Today I was carded for a box of TheraFlu, and later in the same store, not carded for beer. Welcome to America.
Tags: Thera-Flu, stupid, m/a/z/e
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Tick-Tock
Only 364 shopping days until Christmas. I wouldn't dilly-dally. Tags: Christmas, shopping, m/a/z/e
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Alfie The Christmas Tree
Did you ever hear the story of the Christmas Tree
who just didn't want to change the show
He liked living in the woods and playing with squirrels
He liked icicles and snow.
He liked wolves and eagles and grizzly bears
and critters and creatures that crawled
Why bugs were some of his very best friends
Spiders and ants and all.
Now that's not to say that he ever looked down
on the vision of twinkling lights
Or on mirrored bubbles and peppermint canes
And a thousand other delights.
And he often had dreams of tiny reindeer
and a jolly old man and a sleigh full of toys
and presents and wonderful things
And the story of Christmas Day.
Oh, Alfie believed in Christmas all right
He was full of Christmas cheer
All of each and every day
and all throughout the year.
To him it was more than a special time
much more than a special day
It was more than a beautiful story
It was a special kind of way.
You see, some folks have never heard a jingle bell ring
And they've never heard of Santa Claus
They've never heard the story of the son of God
And that made Alfie pause.
Did that mean that they'd never know of peace on earth
or the brotherhood of man
Or know how to love, or know how to give
If they can't...no one can.
You see, life is a very special kind of thing
not just for a chosen few
But for each and every living breathing thing
Not just me and you.
So in your Christmas prayers this year
Alfie asked me if I'd ask you
Say a prayer for the wind, and the water, and the wood
And those who live there, too. - From John Denver & The Muppets: A Christmas Together.
An atheist who loves Christmas music. Who'd of thunk? Happy Holidays everybody, try and be good to each other.
Tags: Christmas, John Denver, Muppets, Alfie the Christmas Tree, Lyrics, m/a/z/e
Friday, December 24, 2004
Bush vs. Santa
Santa may have to move his workshop from the North Pole because global warming is thawing the ice beneath his elves' and reindeers' feet.
"Santa's workshop is in dire straits. The platform for the workshop is melting," Stefan Norris, of the WWF environmental group's Arctic Program, said Wednesday. - Yahoo
The Closing Of The Year
If I cannot bring you comfort
then at least I bring you hope
for nothing is more precious
than the time we have and so
we all must learn from small misfortune
count the blessings that are real
let the bells ring out for Christmas
at the closing of the year - From The Closing of the Year by Wendy & Lisa
Happy Holidays from m/a/z/e & Molliwogg.
Bring Me The Sugar Plum Fairies!
Thursday, December 23, 2004
What Goes Around...Keeps Going Around
"Emboldened by his re-election victory and gains by Republicans in the Senate, Bush plans to renominate a total of 20 nominees to the nation's court of appeals and district courts, the White House said. " - Yahoo
This should come as no surprise, the anti-environmental president has always been a big fan of recycling-daddy's cabinet members, lies, now judges. Still, I look at this as a hopeful sign. According to my calculations Bush's new reuse policy will only cost the tax payers an additional $30.00.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
One More Reason To Buy Dell
"No other major computer maker produces computers in the United States. Long ago, Dell's top rival, Hewlett-Packard, outsourced the assembly of its PCs to third parties, primarily based in Asia, as did International Business Machines, the world's third-largest PC maker. And IBM, which created the PC market in 1981, is leaving the business, announcing this month that it is selling its PC unit to Lenovo, the Chinese computer giant.
"It's been a long time since one of our competitors actually made a computer," said Michael Dell, the founder and chairman of Dell." - IHT
2Pac
Walked in the store what's everybody staring at
They act like they never seen a mutha fucker wearing black
Following a nigga and shit
Ain't this a bitch
All I wanted was some chips
I wanna take my business else where
But where?
Cause who in the hell cares
About a black man with a black need
They wanna jack me like some kind of crack fiend
I wonder if he knows that my income is more than
His pension, salary and then some
Your daughter is my number one fan
And your trife ass wife wants a life with a black man
So who's the mac in fact who's the black jack
Sit back and get fat off the fat cat
While he thinks that he's getting over
I bust a move as smooth as casanova
And count another quick meal
I'm getting paid for my trade but its still real
And if you look between the lines you'll find a rhyme
As strong as a fuckin' nine
Mama told me there'd be days like this
But I'm pissed cause it stays like this
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Freudian Nightmare
While I cannot for the life of me remember the plot of my latest dream, a few highlights do stand out...
- For some reason we were staying at my mother's house. My wife and I were sleeping in her room, while her ex was sleeping in my bed.
- The ex was running some sort of drug ring out of the house.
- The terrain of the area was a combination of Anchorage, Alaska, and Seattle, Washington.
- I watched several hoods set bonfires, then later set themselves on fire and dance in a field.
- All the cops drove unmarked Cadillac's. And there were a lot of cops.
- There were also a lot of purple nurples. This disturbs me more than the cops.
- I may or may not have run someone over in my dream.
If you somehow manage to connect those dots, please see a specialist at your earliest convenience.
Monday, December 20, 2004
MTV Get Off The Air!
"Dreams of world domination must be hard for MTV executives to avoid when they host a party at the Kremlin, with a Russian diva and Queen dueting on "We Will Rock You" and Russian soldiers performing a hip-hop dance routine.
MTV Networks will reach a milestone in February when the turn of a switch starts an MTV outlet in Africa, the company's 100th channel worldwide and first based on that continent." - Yahoo.
If African's didn't have enough to worry about with famine, A.I.D.S. and genocide, our friends at Viacom go push Vitamin MTV down their throats. Sort of ironic considering at first MTV wouldn't even play black videos. While I grudgingly admit to once working for the Muzak Mothership, it seems fitting to rehash this old Dead Kennedy's classic.
Fun Fun Fun
In the fluffy chair
Flame up the herb
Woof down the beer
Hi
I'm your video DJ
I always talk like
I'm wigged out on quaaludes
I wear a satin baseball jacket everywhere I go
My job is to help destroy
What's left of your imagination
By feeding you endless doses
Of sugar-coated mindless garbage
So don't create
Be sedate
Be a vegetable at home
And thwack on that dial
If we have our way even you will believe
This is the future of rock and roll
M.T.V.-GET OFF THE AIR!!!
How far will you go
How low will you stoop
To tranquilize our minds with your sugar-coated swill
You've turned rock and roll rebellion
Into Pat Boone sedation
Making sure nothing's left to the imagination
M.T.V. Get off the
M.T.V. Get off the
M.T.V. Get off the air
Get off the air
See the latest rejects from the muppet show
Wag their tits and their dicks
As they lip-synch on screen
There's something I don't like
About a band who always smiles
Another tax write-off
For some schmuck who doesn't care
M.T.V. Get off the air
And so it was
Our beloved corporate gods
Claimed they created rock video
Allowing it to sink as low in one year
As commercial TV has in 25
"It's the new frontier," they say
It's wide open, anything can happen
But you've got a lot of nerve
To call yourself a pioneer
When you're too god-damn conservative
To take real chances.
Tin-eared
Graph-paper brained accountants
Instead of music fans
Call all the shots at giant record companies now
The lowest common denominator rules
Forget honesty
Forget creativity
The dumbest buy the mostest
That's the name of the game
But sales are slumping
And no one will say why
Could it be they put out one too many lousy records?!?
M.T.V.--Get off the air!
NOW! - MTV Get Off The Air by the Dead Kennedy's
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Luanne Platter
You know, at the beauty academy they teach us that people aren't black or white or yellow or red, but their hair can be.
Do You Recall, The Most Famous Reindeer Of All?
Rudolph came to life in 1939 when the Chicago-based Montgomery Ward company (operators of a chain of department stores) asked one of their copywriters, 34-year-old Robert L. May, to come up with a Christmas story they could give away to shoppers as a promotional gimmick. (The Montgomery Ward stores had been buying and giving away coloring books for Christmas every year, and May's department head saw creating a giveaway booklet of their own as a way to save money.) May, who had a penchant for writing children's stories and limericks, was tapped to create the booklet.
May, drawing in part on the tale of The Ugly Duckling and his own background (he was a often taunted as a child for being shy, small, and slight), settled on the idea of an underdog ostracized by the reindeer community because of his physical abnormality: a glowing red nose. Looking for an alliterative name, May considered and rejected Rollo (too cheerful and carefree a name for the story of a misfit) and Reginald (too British) before deciding on Rudolph. He then proceeded to write Rudolph's story in verse, as a series of rhyming couplets, testing it out on his 4-year-old daughter Barbara as he went along. Although Barbara was thrilled with Rudolph's story, May's boss was worried that a story featuring a red nose — an image associated with drinking and drunkards — was unsuitable for a Christmas tale. May responded by taking Denver Gillen, a friend from Montgomery Ward's art department, to the Lincoln Park Zoo to sketch some deer. Gillen's illustrations of a red-nosed reindeer overcame the hesitancy of May's bosses, and the Rudolph story was approved. Montgomery Ward distributed 2.4 million copies of the Rudolph booket in 1939, and although wartime paper shortages curtailed printing for the next several years, a total of 6 million copies had been given by the end of 1946. (More)
Neon Jungle
Saturday, December 18, 2004
The World's Greatest Commute
I have the world's greatest commute (barring deep-sea divers and astronauts). Up and over Germantown road twice a day. Oregon rainforest and farmland making up a twenty minute drive, the perfect remedy to slutting for the man forty hours a week. Think about that the next time you're parked on I-5 wondering if that throbbing headache is really an aneurysm in disguise.
Dave Wyndorf
I'm up to my brain in the mire of an ancient swamp
Pteranadon smiles at me and flies up to god
Baby let me drink deep from your globes of reality
Writhe your naked ass to the mindless groove
Friday, December 17, 2004
Dave Wyndorf Is My God
There's a car in the field now in a column of flame
With two doors to choose but only one bears your name
You been drinking my blood while I been lickin' your wounds
Well I'll shave off the pitch nowand the scope of your tune
You'll sing oh ---
Space Lord Mother mother
Recent Headlines
STOLEN WOMB BABY FOUND ALIVE
N.Korea Could Test Long-Range Missile...
Bush ordering better ocean oversight
Michael Jackson Greets Kids at Neverland...
To quote Marilyn Manson, I wasn't born with enough middle fingers....
Tags: headlines, sick sad world, m/a/z/e
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Quoting Stahl
The truth, in fairness, is that I was less a big-time ex- than a bit-time future junker. But why get technical? Hell is hell. Whether you'd already been there or were just on your way, you still shared the same stretch of psychic real estate. - Jerry Stahl from Permanent Midnight
Tags: Jerry Stahl, quote, Permanent Midnight, m/a/z/e
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Christmas Albums That Never Were
- Lee Marvin - Lee Marvin Sings Your Favorite Christmas Classics (Tell me you wouldn't give a kidney to hear Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood dueting I'll Be Home For Christmas.)
- Art of Noise - Christmas Remixes (How cool would that be?)
- Darth Vader - T'was The Night Before Christmas (Spoken Word)
- N.W.A. - Christmas In Compton (Eazy-E's Merry Motherfuckin' Christmas comes as close to this as we'll ever see.)
- Glenn Danzig & The Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Silent Night And More!
- Yodeling - A Christmas Experience
Tags: Christmas Albums, Darth Vader, N.W.A, Danzig, Lee Marvin, m/a/z/e
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Feeling Christmas-y
It was December 24th on Hollis Ave in the dark
When I see a man chilling with his dog in the park
I approached very slowly with my heart full of fear
Looked at his dog oh my God an ill reindeer
But then I was illin because the man had a beard
And a bag full of goodies
12 o'clock had neared
So I turned my head a second and the man had gone
But he left his driver's wallet smack dead on the lawn
I picket the wallet up then I took a pause
Took out the license and it cold said "Santa Claus"
A million dollars in it, cold hundreds of G's
Enough to buy a boat and matching car with ease
But I'd never steal from Santa, cause that ain't right
So I'm going home to mail it back to him that night
But when I got home I bugged, cause under the tree
Was a letter from Santa and all the dough was for me
It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens
Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens
Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese
And Santa put gifts under Christmas trees
Decorate the house with lights at night
Snow's on the ground, snow white so bright
In the fireplace is the yule log
Beneath the mistle toe as we drink egg nog
The rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl's
But each and every year we bust Chrsitmas carrols
Rhymes so loud and prod you hear it
It's Christmas time and we got the spirit
Jack Frost chillin, the ???? out
And that's what Christmas is all about
The time is now, the place is here
And the whole wide world is filled with cheer
My name's D.M.C. with the mic in my hand
And I'm chilling and coolin just like a snowman
So open your eyes, lend us an ear
We want to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! - Christmas in Hollis by Run D.M.C.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Cheer Up Tommy, It's A Good Thing
"For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do," Thompson said. "We are importing a lot of food from the Middle East, and it would be easy to tamper with that." - Yahoo
Is it just me or does he sound a little bummed out that our food supply hasn't been attacked?
My Favorite B-Movie Titles
- Psycho's in Love
- Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death
- The Avenging Disco Godfather
- Amazon Women on the Moon
The sad thing is, I've seen all of them.
Fashion Statement?
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
No Pun Intended
I call bullshit. People who say "no pun intended" are lying. They clearly realize that what they are saying is a pun or they wouldn't have mentioned it. Most of the time there is a reasonable alternate phrasing that would not involve a pun. Therefore I have to conclude that when someone says it they are usually full of crap.
A few days ago someone said "an air conditioner would be cool." I responded with a simulation of the drummer in a standup comedy routine. My "ba-doom-boom" got a blank stare. Then as realization visibly dawned, a murmured "no pun intended." I am pretty sure this was the first time I heard the phrase used honestly.
People need to stop lying and just start apologizing. When you make a pun, own it. If it was good take credit. Although, if you tell a really bad one, it might be best to follow Miss Manners' advice about letting a real stinker fly.
- Molliwogg
|
