Monday, August 18, 2003
Pee-Pee Problems
I'm a guy. Part of being a guy is being forced to spend time in men's public restrooms-some of the most vile and stench-ridden places on earth. Behind closed doors, the common man has about as much sanitary instinct as a dung beetle. But this isn't about restrooms. Well, not entirely.
Being that we can pee standing up, it apparently seemed only fitting that we should do it in formation with our fellow men. Hence the birth of the urinal. The whole concept of communal evacuations are gross enough, did we really need to bring troughs into the picture?
Thankfully, urinating has never been an issue for me. I need to go, I do so. It's not exactly rocket science. But every time I am in the men's room I hear some crazy shit going on (pardon the pun).
The sounds of my fellow pee'rs are as vast as they are frightening. There's the "oh" guys, they fall into two sub-categories- a) From beginning to end their urination is sound tracked by one long, "Ooooooooh." and b) The sometimes painful, sometimes manic, "oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." Then you have the cat hissers, every couple of seconds letting out a "sheeeeeesh." And we cannot forget the leaky faucets, who rather than go in one long stream, prefer to space the experience between several shorter streams. They start, they stop, they drip. Lather, rinse, repeat. The more ambitious of the Leak's will throw in an "oh," or a "sheeeeeesh" now and then to mix things up. On rare occasion the urinals will be full with representatives of each category providing something of a urination symphony-"Oh, sheeeeeesh, Oh, Oooooooh, sheeeeesh, oh."
Makes you wonder if 80% of the men out there are suffering from a scorching case of chlamydia, urinary infections, or just have some serious issues with their parents over potty training. Something is wrong with Little Elvis.
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